Hi. Smishy. Is. Here.
Woah guys, have you realized, the forum isn't the same? Anyone? Anyone? Nope? Yes?
I suppose some of you have figured this out. There's lots of drama, people are hating in other people. People are leaving. And I usually care a ton more and try to 'help' but no. I'm just so out of it and I really am not caring like I normally would do at a time like this. I don't want anyone being hurt by others in here, being hated on. That's horrible. Stop. Just leave the fight.
I mean come on we can agree that 99.9% of the fights here are other something either extremely ■■■■■■, or something you won't remember or care about in the next 10 years. We all need to grow up at some point.
This next part is about really serious, touchy subject maybe triggering stuff so if you cannot handle that please exit this topic thanks.
Has anyone noticed me? Anyone? I'm not myself? Yeah? Nah? I mean, I can fake being who I was in the summer, but after the summer something happened. Something snapped. It started with this one opinion, knew thought in my head. It was "Why am I in the forum". Yep. That was it. The one that broke myself. I felt that I couldn't do anything important that would matter to the world on a kids app forum that most likely wouldn't be here in the next 10 years.
So I sorta left sorta became inactive. Things were ok. I tried thinking of what things I could do to make a difference in the world right. Yeah. I couldn't come up with anything. Either we wouldn't have the money or my parents would say no. And after that I was like, well, if I can't do anything for the world, why am I here. Yep. Here's where the serious and touchy stuff begins so please exit thanks. Ok. I'm going to move into another thing for a minute. My life has been extremely bad recently. Extremely bad. By recently I mean from August, 2015, and now, November, 2016. 5 people in my family have died, I had to go to a funeral yesterday. Watching someone loose their memory is extremely emotionally painful. I have an anxiety disorder in top of all that. And I know I'm going to get bla bla bla how you don't know this or that, your self diagnosing, etc. No, stop. I have a therapist but it's still bad. I can minimize it. But it's still always there and it hurts. I'm traumatized of telephone calls, because the only calls I remember are the ERGENT ones either saying what my grandma is not feeling well, she didn't eat dinner, etc. Or phone calls from other relatives telling my family somebody died. But basically when life is bad and you know that your always going to overthink everything or something's going to happen. Etc. So... I was suicidal at that point but I didn't have the guts to actually commit ■■■■■■■ as much as I wanted to, planned it out in my head or in a google doc. I knew I didn't no have any guts whatsoever, or even a chance.
And then on top of everything I became sad. Like rlly sad. Like, I've never been sad for this long sad. And I've never had confidence. Whatsoever, no confidence, I always hated myself for everything I did, what I looked like, my mistakes. I self harmed starting in first grade, before even knowing what self harming was! I'd bang my head on hard objects for hours and hours a day bruising it badly. I've never really had any self esteem whatsoever. But recently it's like, I don't know who I am. I question why I go to bed feeling super sad or suicidal, I wake up optomistic and happy, then throughout the day I become sad and start fake smiling. I'm not myself anymore I'm always sad, I've been waking up earlier and going to bed later, overall I'm not me. I don't know where my life, optimism, and overall self went. But it doesn't look like it's coming back.
That was long but I needed to get that out rlly bad.
I'm being inactive and eventually leaving. I didn't want to leave having the outlook on the forum as I do now, but it's not something I want to or enjoy being a part of. I'm just going to ruin it saying stuff like I just did anyway.
So overall, goodbye. Might pop in every once in a while.