Imagine, Criticism?


#1

Summary: Jolie lives in a bent out of shape neighborhood in Chicago. She has always been the same- going to school with her friend Amber, going to Palmetto's pizza place after, and giving some pizza to Billie, the homeless man on Quentin Street. Untill, Amber moves away. Billie says something weird, and dissapears. Then, she imagines something and it becomes, vivid, almost real. Then, she falls in a dark hole back into real life, and everything is the same. One day, while imagining, something happens. The dark hole isnt there anymore. The floor is sealed. She is trapped . Will Jolie escape? Is her imagination the downfall of her life? Read the story to find out.

So my question is how can I relate this to hopscotch?


#2

Chapter 1

My name is Jolie. I’m smart, I love reading and I always get good grades. I live in Chicago, and my community is well, not the best. It's pretty dirty, the buildings are pretty much in shackles. My building is okay, it gets drafty in the winter. And in the summer, it’s extremely hot. I have a closet sized room and my curtains are really faded. I live with my Ma, and my father died a few years ago. Ma, she is nice and is very mysterious. I don’t know her emotions most of the time. She has had a blank stare on her face ever since Pop died, but I love her anyway, and I can tell she loves me back.

Most of the kids go to the public school down the block. I have a friend named Amber. I go over to her house a lot. Her house is in shackles, just like mine, but her room is bigger and she has 5 brothers and 2 sisters. Her mom is pretty much never there, and her two older sisters mostly have to take care of them. Sometimes, their Mom will be gone for weeks. They don't worry, because they know she will come back. At least they hope she will.
Amber and I go to the pizza shop everyday after school and getting the best pizza. We always say “Hi” to Palmetto, the pizza guy. He always says “Hey party and smarts”. He automatically knows what we want- A slice of plain and a slice of chicken and pineapples. We eat and talk about school and parties and students. We always save a
piece of our pizza to give to Billie, the homeless man on Quentin Street. Billie always says: “You two are the best. Thank you”. Then we go home.

Chapter 2:
Chicago, September 15th 2016.

Today, I went to the pizza shop and waited for Amber. She’s never late, I thought. I waited 15 minutes. 30 minutes. 45 minutes. Where is she??? I thought. Then Amber slowly trudged into the pizza shop, and plopped down in the seat with her head down.

“Imrhmrmr” Amber muttered

“What?” I said

“I’m moving.” Amber said through clenched teeth.

“WHAT?!!?” I exclaimed.

“My mom got a new job in Mew York and she is moving us there. She said she would be able to make more money and it would be a better neighborhood there.” Amber said quietly

“When do you move.” I asked Amber through tears.

“Tomorrow.” Amber said.

“I'm going to miss you soooooo much!!” I stood up and hugged her crying.

“I'm going to miss you too smarts!!!” She cried back

“Party.” I smiled.

Then Amber left the shop. As I was walking home Billie stopped me.

“You are the touched one.” Billie said

“I am? Thanks!” I laughed.

“I am serious. You are special. You are not normal.” Billie said

Then Billie got up and walked away. The next day Billie disappeared. Amber moved away.
It seemed as if everyone ditched me.

Chapter 3

As I left school I was imagining that Amber came back and Billie stayed. I imagined I was in a nice, clean neighborhood and everything was perfect. Dad was alive. Mom was happy.
Amber’s Mom was always around.

Then something flashed. White light. I felt dizzy. I think I passed out. When I opened my eyes, I looked around. I was in a really nice house and Mom was there. Dad was there too. Then I saw myself eating, with them. We were laughing, and having a conversation. Then I fell back into a dark hole, and when I opened my eyes I was walking home from school again.
“Woah, why was my daydream so vivid?” I muttered.


#3

Maybe you can wrote it on hopscotch! :D

It's really good btw :0


#4

Great storreee!


#5

Gosh, you're such a great writer!


#6

You're an amazing writer! It's so cool!

Maybe you could base some of the characters on forumers, or write in hopscotch as Rainbow said? :smile:


#7

Thanks everybody!!! I will take the advice.