Criticism on Story



Before you go and flag this, this is for a project on HS, I want to check if this is too violent/long/whatever! Please comment down below!

Chapter 1: ϼαῖͷ
She lay there. Terrified at what she saw. Deat.h. Watching your sister's life slowly fading isn't the best Saturday night entertainment, you know. Breathing heavily, she sat up, and surveyed what was around her. She was in a small room, with no windows. "Underground", Reyna thought to herself as she started pacing around the room. Suddenly, she remembered herself. She gently pushed away the coarse fabric away from the wound, she pressed on the gigantic red lump on the top of her left arm. She winced and pulled her sleeve over the wound. Reyna got up and tried to get out of the dark room.
The door was locked. "Obviously", Reyna thought to herself. She glanced at her sister. Ida was regaining consciousness. "Tough one, she is", Reyna breathed. As Ida slowly stood up, Reyna sighed and swiftly took Ida's hand and pulled her up. Suddenly, the girls heard a horrendous noise.


It's not finished yet :wink:


I love this!

I can't wait to read more!


I edited it a bit. Nice!


Oh mah gawd this is F to the A to the bee-you-lawss


Thanks! :smiley: i made this directly in HS, so I didn't think of putting in italics and stuffs like that :smile:


WUT...? Pardon...? #idontgettid


It is "FABulous" is what I meant... haha.


Right! XD Lel, me sometimes XD


Wow! That's awesome! :D can't wait to read more


Do you think it's a bit violent/scary though? It has the word deat.h, I don't know if I should use that word:T


IT is really interesting! Lol I'm writing a book too...
Anyway, it's certainly hooking me! Though, if it goes on HS, remember there are loads of kids there so maybe turn deat-(/£/£h into someone else, like gone or something?


Yeah..I write dark :smiling_imp::sunglasses::stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:


Lol me too. Just tone it down slightly or else make it more subtle and vague


But I can't...too hard... :confused:


Then get a friend to proof read it and help!


Yeah, but they will be like,
And I'm like,
Just read it -_-


Then get a mature friend to read it!


I have no mature friends-_- :stuck_out_tongue:


Lol really? IRL you have no mature friends?! Wow! Then try family